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it doesn't get easier. you just get used to it.

i'm trying to get used to it.

photograph

been reading/listening to Andrea Gibson nonstop since i got to see her perform back in November. that was one of the most amazing experiences of my LIFE.

listen to this.

sooooo beautiful.

today i'm inspired--- and REALLY thinking about moving somewhere else. i love my life and my family and my friends and everything about this place. . . . but i also feel an overwhelming need to just try it on my own.

we'll see. . . 

sometimes

i wake up happy.
actually, scratch that.
i almost ALWAYS wake up happy (unless i have a workout planned which causes serious dread)...
i'm an obnoxiously cheerful morning person. i LOVE this side of the day. that first sip of coffee? that first peek at the sun? watching the adorable old couple walk past my house at the crack of dawn EVERY day? LOVE IT.
favorite moments.
it's AFTERWARDS that my general tendency towards melancholy kicks in. . .usually around eleven o'clock. maybe it's an energy slump kind of thing, or (more likely) it's just the fact that it's no longer morning and i can't put off doing all the horrible things i have to do that day.. . . . like work and pay bills. (i don't hate my job, i just would prefer not to do it) .........


it can't be morning all the time. i get that.  i just have to figure out a way to make it FEEL that way . . . . .

moving

i don't have any immediate plans to go anywhere (i certainly can't move until my lease is up, which isn't until summertime anyway) but lately all i can think about is going somewhere else.

sometimes i think i just need to move back to the country. find some little tiny house with some land, get a horse and a garden and a reason to get up in the morning. . .  (but then the thought of that kind of terrifies me, because i can absolutely see myself turning into a hermit with no friends......)

i'm not really financially able to think about much of anything except paying necessary bills right now though- and moving costs. i don't want to move again just to rent (though i think i've said that about EVERY single place i've ever lived...)

i guess right now is just about doing what i have to do.

say a prayer for the cowgirl

i grew up listening to this Emmylou Harris album and i still go back to it when i'm feeling sentimental.
(i feel sentimental most days. . . .)
though i'm REALLY trying to focus on the moment i'm in now, instead of wishing for what was or could have been or comes next, it's definitely not easy.
we've been talking about it (focusing on the immediate) a lot in church lately, and i struggle with it. i'm not one to be very present in the now- even though when i think about how quickly time is passing i have chest spasms and will it all to just STOP for minute. that hasn't worked yet. . . but i'm still trying.
holidays make me especially want to freeze everything, and birthdays. i'm over my depression about being twenty six (that was a lie.)
i'm absolutely freaking out about it- but there's nothing that can be done, save moping and crying. (and i haven't really had a drink since last sunday, which is a record for me-- and truthfully, the thing that leads to all the moping and crying) ........

*sigh*

i'm attempting to see the good in this life.
in this day.
in this minute...
i guess even if the only good thing i can see about this day is the fact that nobody tells me when to go to bed anymore, that's enough. for now. i'm planning for tomorrow.

(that's a joke. you know. living in the now)

-g

new beginnings

that sounds terribly trite. . .
(but sometimes i'm trite, so i suppose it's appropriate)

i've had several blogs over the years, that i've started and stopped and started again . . . only to have a fretful fit a few months ago and delete the whole lot of them. ALL OF THEM. every profound or even slightly interesting thing i'd ever written- gone. with the click of a mouse. so now i'm sitting here sulking, wishing i was less impulsive. my impulsiveness gets me into trouble quite frequently. . . most recently i can think of an incident involving a crooked tattoo. but we'll get to that later.

my title comes from my very favorite Bukowski quote-
"What matters most is how well you walk through the fire"

and i believe it. as someone who deals with depression and gloom (which i'm terrible at hiding most of the time) i think THE FIRE is something that has to be walked through every day. and how well i walk through IS important.

so there you go.

hopefully i'll be more faithful to this little endeavour, and a little less heavy handed with the delete key.

-g