say a prayer for the cowgirl

i grew up listening to this Emmylou Harris album and i still go back to it when i'm feeling sentimental.
(i feel sentimental most days. . . .)
though i'm REALLY trying to focus on the moment i'm in now, instead of wishing for what was or could have been or comes next, it's definitely not easy.
we've been talking about it (focusing on the immediate) a lot in church lately, and i struggle with it. i'm not one to be very present in the now- even though when i think about how quickly time is passing i have chest spasms and will it all to just STOP for minute. that hasn't worked yet. . . but i'm still trying.
holidays make me especially want to freeze everything, and birthdays. i'm over my depression about being twenty six (that was a lie.)
i'm absolutely freaking out about it- but there's nothing that can be done, save moping and crying. (and i haven't really had a drink since last sunday, which is a record for me-- and truthfully, the thing that leads to all the moping and crying) ........

*sigh*

i'm attempting to see the good in this life.
in this day.
in this minute...
i guess even if the only good thing i can see about this day is the fact that nobody tells me when to go to bed anymore, that's enough. for now. i'm planning for tomorrow.

(that's a joke. you know. living in the now)

-g

new beginnings

that sounds terribly trite. . .
(but sometimes i'm trite, so i suppose it's appropriate)

i've had several blogs over the years, that i've started and stopped and started again . . . only to have a fretful fit a few months ago and delete the whole lot of them. ALL OF THEM. every profound or even slightly interesting thing i'd ever written- gone. with the click of a mouse. so now i'm sitting here sulking, wishing i was less impulsive. my impulsiveness gets me into trouble quite frequently. . . most recently i can think of an incident involving a crooked tattoo. but we'll get to that later.

my title comes from my very favorite Bukowski quote-
"What matters most is how well you walk through the fire"

and i believe it. as someone who deals with depression and gloom (which i'm terrible at hiding most of the time) i think THE FIRE is something that has to be walked through every day. and how well i walk through IS important.

so there you go.

hopefully i'll be more faithful to this little endeavour, and a little less heavy handed with the delete key.

-g