i will

can't stop listening to Brandi Carlile lately.  (although really she's on heavy rotation most of the time....)
her lyrics always seem to speak directly about what's going on in my life. it sounds corny and silly and maybe i'm just a sappy super fan with a big old crush, but i LOVE her.

being on the other side of a relationship i thought would last much longer than it did has given me some interesting perspective. i'm not upset anymore. things happen because they have to. i get it. . . .
(BUT all the sad, lovesick songs make a whole lot more sense to me right about now)

specifically listening to I Will, over and over. that song has resonated with me for a long time- but certain words take on even more meaning here.

i have to say that i am proud to know you
and i'll never be the same because we met

*sigh*

when something makes me feel bad or sad or uncomfortable, i give myself a set, specific amount of time to feel bad, sad, or uncomfortable. usually like five minutes... ( though big tragedies get whole weekends doused in liquor...) (i'm kidding.) (not really) (sort of) .......

anyway, i'm giving myself five minutes to be really sad about this---- starting..... now.

the end.

next stop: Shangri-La!

confession: i had no idea (until about 45 seconds ago) what Shangri-La was. i've heard it in songs (most notably, today, M. Ward's aptly named version...) and kind of assumed that it was a sort of heaven-y place---- but i just googled it and found out that it's a Himalayan paradise. i guess. makes sense.

anyway:
i'm feeling incredibly light and free today, and i'm turning my face towards the sun. i've spent too many days and nights feeling sorry for myself and i'm leaving that ugliness behind.

listen

and feel good again.

getting used to it

sometimes i feel absolutely fine about things.
sometimes i feel like i'm going to die.

i guess it's a little of both, these days, and i'm started to get accustomed to the way it feels. 

on practicing what i preach

scratch that. i hate preaching. i hope i don't preach to anyone, ever (except on the merits of sunscreen. i WILL beat you over the head with that- with no apologies) ---------

sitting here tonight after having had WAY too much to drink (i've given myself 48 hours to wallow in my circumstances) ----- re reading what i've written here (i do that sometimes....)

 i couldn't help but find a post written almost exactly four months ago. it hit me like the heaviest of cliches.

check it out.

even though my heart feels like gravel- i have to remember all the beautiful, wonderful, infinitely magical moments we shared- and let that be enough.

(but it's soooooooo hard ...........) 

it dropped

that damn shoe dropped.

i feel like i just put three months down the garbage disposal.

the other shoe

i'm working hard on embracing the moment. being FULLY present in every day and not constantly looking ahead to what comes next. i'm WORKING on it. definitely don't have it mastered yet.

things are good, for the most part. the relationship makes me happy every single day and the other less exciting aspects of my life are going pretty well too...

i just keep waiting on that shoe to drop. i wish i wasn't, and maybe it never will. . . . but i still sit here thinking about it.