movin' out

one of my favorite Billy Joel songs. i put that album on (The Stranger) and wear a dress and make spaghetti at least once a month if i can help it. love love love.

also, thinking about moving. i am always thinking about moving, so this is nothing new, but really, truly honestly contemplating it right now. i've got time to ponder, no hasty decisions. . .

 i'm feeling like i've done just about all i can do in this town. i love my family, but i think next year my life will be somewhere else. . . . .

keep going

lately i've been spitting out one of these stupid things every other day or so. i'm allowed to call them stupid because they're mine. also, i've been waiting on them to change from being boring and unoriginal to something eloquent and profound. still waiting. a few other (embarassing) things i've been doing:

catching up on all my Mormon housewife blogs. i am recently (more than normal) obsessed with Mormons and quite enjoy looking at this particularly pretty girl and her adorable life. (it's pathetic, i know)

watching Big Love on Netflix (see above)

attempting to lose three pounds. that is all i want to do and i cannot seem to do it for the life of me. i even gave up drinking beer during the week days THREE WEEKS AGO and it hasn't made a bit of difference. sigh.

deciding whether or not being tan is a bad thing. i am (sort of) tan right now. i know it's damage on my skin, thank you, and i realize that the answer to this question is, YES, being tan is a bad thing. . . but golly it's been nice having people say things like, 'Wow, you're tan' (it doesn't take much to make me happy, or tan, apparently.....)

organizing my LIFE (and secretly wishing someone else could do it for me) (ooops. secret's out).....  i recently made a big balance transfer on my credit card because if all goes well it will save me TONS of money. or at least a lot. i so wish i could go back and kick myself at age seventeen and say, "Girl, don't get that 'student' credit card" ..... (i actually wouldn't kick myself unless i went ahead and DID it, disregarding my pertinent advice)

thinking about marriage and dogs. i don't think i'll ever get married. i think someday soon (ish) i will have a dog.



that's it. i'm sorry to have taken you on this journey of dumb thoughts with me. i'm bound and determined to keep going, though, because eventually SOMETHING i write will be less lame, and more amazing.

the journey

people (and by people, i mean those who give unsolicited advice) are always saying things like, "It's the journey, not the destination." -------

i think there's partial truth to that, but realistically i don't think many people get in the car just to drive without ever contemplating the ending point. i love to drive, and i don't even do that. . . except once in a while. once in a great while there is something soothing about rolling down the windows and listening to some silly song on a back country road somewhere. (only once in a while though, because if i spend too much time thinking about it i realize how much gas i'm burning and how irresponsible it really is just to DRIVE....) ------------- i digress.

i'm thinking a lot about journeys, lately, mostly because i'm about to leave soon on a road trip to visit my sister and some dear friends. i'm so ready to go.

i remember doing a Proust questionaire a while ago that was in the back of a Vanity Fair magazine and it asked the question, "What is your favorite journey?" ------- and my answer was the one that takes me home. i still feel that way, but i now i embrace the leaving as much as the coming home. seeing new things. getting a new perspective. maybe it IS the journey.

insight

some of the things i loved when i was fourteen i no longer wish to be associated with. (glitter body lotion is one thing that comes to mind) -------
and some of the things i loved when i was fourteen i love more now, with the perspective that twelve years gives.

jennifer knapp is one of those things. she was my favorite singer when i was young, and the respect and admiration i have for how now is far greater than it was back then, for many many reasons. she rarely updates her blog, but i check it faithfully and am never disappointed when she posts. i feel like she's saying everything i want to express, only far more eloquently than i could ever hope to.

read this.

getting through it

three months. ninety days. one season. however you want to look at it, and however much i DON'T want to look at it anymore, that specific period of time was more influential in my life than anything i've ever experienced. i learned so much and i wouldn't change anything---- but i'm ready to stop being blindsided by these feelings. it's been almost six weeks - close to half the time we spent together - and tears still creep up behind my eyelids. my throat still clenches when i hear that one song. i want to move ahead and get past this. . .

i AM moving forward, i guess, and it isn't even that i want to forget or wipe away anything that happened. i suppose i don't even know what i want.

life is beautiful, and i KNOW that. i just have to keep reminding myself.

moving fast

i woke up this morning and realized it was June. i guess it's been June for quite a few days now, but something hadn't registered with me yet.

things are moving so quickly these days. everyone used to tell me that time goes faster when you're older, and everyone was right. i long for the days when time dragged. i feel like i blink my eyes and an hour is gone. take a nap and wake up to a new season. it makes me anxious and scared, because i know just around the bend is the moment when i stumble upon 30, or worse.

right now i'm caught in the middle of something i don't want to be caught in, and wishing i could rewind or fast forward to a more interesting, less anxious place. i can't stop thinking about New Mexico, and wondering if i'll ever actually get to go.

i will

can't stop listening to Brandi Carlile lately.  (although really she's on heavy rotation most of the time....)
her lyrics always seem to speak directly about what's going on in my life. it sounds corny and silly and maybe i'm just a sappy super fan with a big old crush, but i LOVE her.

being on the other side of a relationship i thought would last much longer than it did has given me some interesting perspective. i'm not upset anymore. things happen because they have to. i get it. . . .
(BUT all the sad, lovesick songs make a whole lot more sense to me right about now)

specifically listening to I Will, over and over. that song has resonated with me for a long time- but certain words take on even more meaning here.

i have to say that i am proud to know you
and i'll never be the same because we met

*sigh*

when something makes me feel bad or sad or uncomfortable, i give myself a set, specific amount of time to feel bad, sad, or uncomfortable. usually like five minutes... ( though big tragedies get whole weekends doused in liquor...) (i'm kidding.) (not really) (sort of) .......

anyway, i'm giving myself five minutes to be really sad about this---- starting..... now.

the end.