peace

i've finally got it.

valentine's day

only once in my life have i had a boyfriend on valentines day, and fairly soon thereafter i ran over his heart with a dumptruck. (it had to happen, but it still makes me a little sad) ...

i was reading some old journal entries the other day and i found this:

"I can't stand still long enough to love anybody" ...

the scary thing is i think that's true. i go on SO MANY first and second dates and either end up bored or terrified. bored because hardly anyone excites me, and terrified that i'm going to be forced to settle down with one of these boring people sooner or later if i don't want to spend my life alone.

i don't know.

tonight, someone i love dearly is contemplating the future of her marriage, and i can't think of anything else. it's been a pretty somber Valentine's. . . . 

adventure

last night S and i tramped around for a couple of hours in the (bitter! freezing!) snow, trying to find a fire escape to climb up onto a roof....... and we FINALLY did.

we were definitely trespassing, and i definitely don't care. it was AMAZING. the snow gives everything a kind of reverent silence, and up there (soooooo very high above the city) i definitely felt the presence of something much larger than myself.

that needed to happen. i've been wrestling with my faith a lot lately (and truthfully, most of the time i feel like i never arrive to any conclusions whatsoever) ........

but feeling like SOMETHING was out there helped.

bless this mess

there's a song we sing at church sometimes that says,

"Come, ye weary, heavy laden,
Lost and ruined by the fall;
If you tarry till you’re better,
You will never come at all"


that last line really gets me. i'm not waiting on anything, because sometimes i honestly don't think i'll ever be 'better" .... but i worry that sometimes my acceptance of my flawed state is really just complacency disguised.

what's the difference, anyway?

need to know

there are things i've done that cannot be undone. i've come to terms with this.

what i need to know is that everything is going to be okay. that I'M going to be okay.

i entered this new year with an open heart and mind, ready to take on whatever came-- and i feel like i've done that to the best of my ability. . .. but i also feel like i've already screwed up. i KNOW i've screwed up- and i just don't know if these mistakes are ones i can live with.

(of course the irony is that i have to live with them. there's not really another option. i can't remove them, and i plan to keep living.) *sigh*

i'm feeling trapped by all this snow on the ground, i'm not making ANY money at work right because everyone is canceling their appointments, and i'm starting to feel like i have a dependence on something i don't want to have a dependence on.

but the only way out is through-----------------------

so here i go.