when i was a little girl we used to play snowstorm in the closet. i don't really remember what the game entailed except for climbing in with blankets and some snacks and an electric candle (the kind of thing you use at christmas time) and shutting the door tight and staying in far too long. the air would get stale and heavy and finally we'd have to come out into the daylight but we had fun while it lasted.
they're calling for a blizzard tomorrow night.
i kind of wish i had someone to play snowstorm with.
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
coming home
i realized something the other day: aside from reasons stated before, the only reason i really think about leaving this place is because everyone else seems to hate it so. i have a fear of five years from now being the only one left here because all my friends have moved away. i don't mind this town, (though i'd prefer being in the country) and i LOVE this area of Missouri i live in. the woods and the hills and the winds that howls--- i honestly don't know if i could live without it.
it's scary, this growing older. i don't have anyone to plan anything with, and that's kind of lonely sometimes.
my dream is to have a little cabin in the woods somewhere where i don't see neighbors and i can just be in the peace and quiet. i'm really not as interested in social activities as it may seem, and if i could just somehow find a way to afford living OUT then i would. the hitch is always in how much money i'd spend on gas driving into town every day. i don't know. my lease is up in 4 months (not soon, i know....) but i have to start thinking about what the next step is.
i just know all i can think about lately is coming home. i just want to come home.
it's scary, this growing older. i don't have anyone to plan anything with, and that's kind of lonely sometimes.
my dream is to have a little cabin in the woods somewhere where i don't see neighbors and i can just be in the peace and quiet. i'm really not as interested in social activities as it may seem, and if i could just somehow find a way to afford living OUT then i would. the hitch is always in how much money i'd spend on gas driving into town every day. i don't know. my lease is up in 4 months (not soon, i know....) but i have to start thinking about what the next step is.
i just know all i can think about lately is coming home. i just want to come home.
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
on THIS day
i crack up everytime i see one of those, "On This Day, GOD wants you to know" posts. it's always the same fluffy bs. "God wants you know that you are beautiful and loved and full of light and destined for greatness and on your way to a destination full of puppies and rainbows....."
or something like that.
i believe we ARE all loved by God (hooray!) (cause if he didn't make us to love us then what the heck else for??!?!)
but seriously.
in my mind, more likely, the thing that God wants us to know is something like:
"Hey, you! Stop acting like such a tool, and be kind to people. you're special and all, but there are about 6 billion other people on the planet who are just as special and probably less fortunate. LOVE your friends, and love the people who AREN'T your friends even more. Stop wasting time worrying and complaining, and do a little good in your community instead. Stop being so disrespectful to the planet, and embrace each and every moment you have with the people you love. you're so much better off than you think, you little brat."
i don't know. it's just what i've been pondering.
(and you know i don't really think God talks to us anyway. how silly)
or something like that.
i believe we ARE all loved by God (hooray!) (cause if he didn't make us to love us then what the heck else for??!?!)
but seriously.
in my mind, more likely, the thing that God wants us to know is something like:
"Hey, you! Stop acting like such a tool, and be kind to people. you're special and all, but there are about 6 billion other people on the planet who are just as special and probably less fortunate. LOVE your friends, and love the people who AREN'T your friends even more. Stop wasting time worrying and complaining, and do a little good in your community instead. Stop being so disrespectful to the planet, and embrace each and every moment you have with the people you love. you're so much better off than you think, you little brat."
i don't know. it's just what i've been pondering.
(and you know i don't really think God talks to us anyway. how silly)
Sunday, January 16, 2011
breaking my heart
lately, all i can think about is leaving this town. the idea of starting over is resonating pretty strongly for me these days, but the thought of leaving behind the family and friends that i love so dearly is breaking my heart.
i don't want to be alone in a new city, but sometimes i think that's the only way i'm ever going to really figure out who i am. as long as i live here i feel somewhat stuck. all my friends are married and moving ahead with children and big future plans... and i'm in basically the same place i have been for the last 7 years.
on monday i'm going to make some reservations for a little trip to Taos in April. i hope to spend a week there, writing, exploring, taking in some art and getting lots of rest. i need to figure out where i'm supposed to be.
i don't want to be alone in a new city, but sometimes i think that's the only way i'm ever going to really figure out who i am. as long as i live here i feel somewhat stuck. all my friends are married and moving ahead with children and big future plans... and i'm in basically the same place i have been for the last 7 years.
on monday i'm going to make some reservations for a little trip to Taos in April. i hope to spend a week there, writing, exploring, taking in some art and getting lots of rest. i need to figure out where i'm supposed to be.
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
wearing dresses
a few months ago i got into a conversation with friends, trying to explain what i meant when i said i wished i were more androgynous. NOT in a "Pat" from SNL sense of the word... i just wish that sometimes i didn't have this particularly womanly body and could get away with wearing boyish clothing. sometimes i want to embrace my masculine side (i think EVERYONE has one) and when i wear clothes that i feel express that side, i just look ridiculous and heavy. so i don't usually. aside from the flannel shirts that EVERYONE gives me crap for wearing (yes, i look like a rural lesbian and i don't CARE!!!) i pretty much dress in an ordinary, moderate fashion. mostly jeans and sweaters and BASIC stuff.
a funny observation, though, is that when i am CRUSHING hard on someone, i want to be as girly as possible. wearing dresses like crazy and never forgetting to put on my 'good' bra. ha ha.
it's just amusing. i like feeling this way. . . . and truthfully i look MUCH better when i emphasize my assets.
if you can't beat 'em, join 'em.
=)
a funny observation, though, is that when i am CRUSHING hard on someone, i want to be as girly as possible. wearing dresses like crazy and never forgetting to put on my 'good' bra. ha ha.
it's just amusing. i like feeling this way. . . . and truthfully i look MUCH better when i emphasize my assets.
if you can't beat 'em, join 'em.
=)
Monday, January 10, 2011
swallow a meadow
i'm in LOVE with pretty much every word that leaves Andrea Gibson's mouth. so beautiful.
i am so (surprisingly) happy these days that i can hardly contain myself. i know i deserve this happiness (like all living creatures do) but i have to admit that i'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. waiting for the cloud to settle over my head. i'm afraid of that, because every time it comes it stays longer, and storms harder.
i'll get through it, though. i always do.... and right now, i'm happier than i've been in a LONG damn time.
so happy i could swallow a meadow (she said that, not me)
*sigh*
i am so (surprisingly) happy these days that i can hardly contain myself. i know i deserve this happiness (like all living creatures do) but i have to admit that i'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. waiting for the cloud to settle over my head. i'm afraid of that, because every time it comes it stays longer, and storms harder.
i'll get through it, though. i always do.... and right now, i'm happier than i've been in a LONG damn time.
so happy i could swallow a meadow (she said that, not me)
*sigh*
Thursday, January 6, 2011
leaving the way we came
been thinking about life, and love, and relationships, and all the beautiful (and sometimes not-so-beautiful) messes that come along with all of it.
being privy to the beginnings (!!) and endings of some, i only wish that relationships could just end with the same amount of love and respect and admiration that they began with. it doesn't make any sense to me to have it any other way. i don't understand the anger and craziness that sometimes seems to manifest at the end of something so important.
when i stand still long enough to fall for anyone, those sweet, early moments are the most precious thing in the world..... and if i'm leaving the relationship behind, then at least i want to take the love i found along with me.
i can't speak from a whole lot of experience, and i'm not saying that i haven't cried or been frustrated and angry about someone leaving my life.... and maybe i'm just a little crazy and optimistic right now......
but i want to try and live and love in a way that respects and acknowledges the fragility of this crazy adventure we're living. if the person i care about needed to go on their way, i trust and hope that i would have the grace to let them go easily.
i guess we'll see.
being privy to the beginnings (!!) and endings of some, i only wish that relationships could just end with the same amount of love and respect and admiration that they began with. it doesn't make any sense to me to have it any other way. i don't understand the anger and craziness that sometimes seems to manifest at the end of something so important.
when i stand still long enough to fall for anyone, those sweet, early moments are the most precious thing in the world..... and if i'm leaving the relationship behind, then at least i want to take the love i found along with me.
i can't speak from a whole lot of experience, and i'm not saying that i haven't cried or been frustrated and angry about someone leaving my life.... and maybe i'm just a little crazy and optimistic right now......
but i want to try and live and love in a way that respects and acknowledges the fragility of this crazy adventure we're living. if the person i care about needed to go on their way, i trust and hope that i would have the grace to let them go easily.
i guess we'll see.
Monday, January 3, 2011
everything new
had a lot of time to think while driving back and forth to Tex-Arkana for Uncle James funeral this weekend. i cried and cried and i miss his sweet face, but i'm happy he's not in pain anymore.
thinking about the new year and all the things i want to accomplish.... and thinking about all the heaviness from last year that i'm happy to leave behind. (not that 2010 was all bad. i had some amazing experiences, and i learned a lot about myself...)
one thing i'm absolutely striving for is to live my life with a completely open heart and mind. i've been worried for so long about being with the wrong person, or wondering how things might play out down the road with someone else, and i'm DONE with it. if i'm lucky enough to fall for someone who's crazy about me too, who am i to question that?
we'll see. 2011 stands to be AMAZING!
thinking about the new year and all the things i want to accomplish.... and thinking about all the heaviness from last year that i'm happy to leave behind. (not that 2010 was all bad. i had some amazing experiences, and i learned a lot about myself...)
one thing i'm absolutely striving for is to live my life with a completely open heart and mind. i've been worried for so long about being with the wrong person, or wondering how things might play out down the road with someone else, and i'm DONE with it. if i'm lucky enough to fall for someone who's crazy about me too, who am i to question that?
we'll see. 2011 stands to be AMAZING!
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