movin' out

one of my favorite Billy Joel songs. i put that album on (The Stranger) and wear a dress and make spaghetti at least once a month if i can help it. love love love.

also, thinking about moving. i am always thinking about moving, so this is nothing new, but really, truly honestly contemplating it right now. i've got time to ponder, no hasty decisions. . .

 i'm feeling like i've done just about all i can do in this town. i love my family, but i think next year my life will be somewhere else. . . . .

keep going

lately i've been spitting out one of these stupid things every other day or so. i'm allowed to call them stupid because they're mine. also, i've been waiting on them to change from being boring and unoriginal to something eloquent and profound. still waiting. a few other (embarassing) things i've been doing:

catching up on all my Mormon housewife blogs. i am recently (more than normal) obsessed with Mormons and quite enjoy looking at this particularly pretty girl and her adorable life. (it's pathetic, i know)

watching Big Love on Netflix (see above)

attempting to lose three pounds. that is all i want to do and i cannot seem to do it for the life of me. i even gave up drinking beer during the week days THREE WEEKS AGO and it hasn't made a bit of difference. sigh.

deciding whether or not being tan is a bad thing. i am (sort of) tan right now. i know it's damage on my skin, thank you, and i realize that the answer to this question is, YES, being tan is a bad thing. . . but golly it's been nice having people say things like, 'Wow, you're tan' (it doesn't take much to make me happy, or tan, apparently.....)

organizing my LIFE (and secretly wishing someone else could do it for me) (ooops. secret's out).....  i recently made a big balance transfer on my credit card because if all goes well it will save me TONS of money. or at least a lot. i so wish i could go back and kick myself at age seventeen and say, "Girl, don't get that 'student' credit card" ..... (i actually wouldn't kick myself unless i went ahead and DID it, disregarding my pertinent advice)

thinking about marriage and dogs. i don't think i'll ever get married. i think someday soon (ish) i will have a dog.



that's it. i'm sorry to have taken you on this journey of dumb thoughts with me. i'm bound and determined to keep going, though, because eventually SOMETHING i write will be less lame, and more amazing.

the journey

people (and by people, i mean those who give unsolicited advice) are always saying things like, "It's the journey, not the destination." -------

i think there's partial truth to that, but realistically i don't think many people get in the car just to drive without ever contemplating the ending point. i love to drive, and i don't even do that. . . except once in a while. once in a great while there is something soothing about rolling down the windows and listening to some silly song on a back country road somewhere. (only once in a while though, because if i spend too much time thinking about it i realize how much gas i'm burning and how irresponsible it really is just to DRIVE....) ------------- i digress.

i'm thinking a lot about journeys, lately, mostly because i'm about to leave soon on a road trip to visit my sister and some dear friends. i'm so ready to go.

i remember doing a Proust questionaire a while ago that was in the back of a Vanity Fair magazine and it asked the question, "What is your favorite journey?" ------- and my answer was the one that takes me home. i still feel that way, but i now i embrace the leaving as much as the coming home. seeing new things. getting a new perspective. maybe it IS the journey.

insight

some of the things i loved when i was fourteen i no longer wish to be associated with. (glitter body lotion is one thing that comes to mind) -------
and some of the things i loved when i was fourteen i love more now, with the perspective that twelve years gives.

jennifer knapp is one of those things. she was my favorite singer when i was young, and the respect and admiration i have for how now is far greater than it was back then, for many many reasons. she rarely updates her blog, but i check it faithfully and am never disappointed when she posts. i feel like she's saying everything i want to express, only far more eloquently than i could ever hope to.

read this.

getting through it

three months. ninety days. one season. however you want to look at it, and however much i DON'T want to look at it anymore, that specific period of time was more influential in my life than anything i've ever experienced. i learned so much and i wouldn't change anything---- but i'm ready to stop being blindsided by these feelings. it's been almost six weeks - close to half the time we spent together - and tears still creep up behind my eyelids. my throat still clenches when i hear that one song. i want to move ahead and get past this. . .

i AM moving forward, i guess, and it isn't even that i want to forget or wipe away anything that happened. i suppose i don't even know what i want.

life is beautiful, and i KNOW that. i just have to keep reminding myself.

moving fast

i woke up this morning and realized it was June. i guess it's been June for quite a few days now, but something hadn't registered with me yet.

things are moving so quickly these days. everyone used to tell me that time goes faster when you're older, and everyone was right. i long for the days when time dragged. i feel like i blink my eyes and an hour is gone. take a nap and wake up to a new season. it makes me anxious and scared, because i know just around the bend is the moment when i stumble upon 30, or worse.

right now i'm caught in the middle of something i don't want to be caught in, and wishing i could rewind or fast forward to a more interesting, less anxious place. i can't stop thinking about New Mexico, and wondering if i'll ever actually get to go.

i will

can't stop listening to Brandi Carlile lately.  (although really she's on heavy rotation most of the time....)
her lyrics always seem to speak directly about what's going on in my life. it sounds corny and silly and maybe i'm just a sappy super fan with a big old crush, but i LOVE her.

being on the other side of a relationship i thought would last much longer than it did has given me some interesting perspective. i'm not upset anymore. things happen because they have to. i get it. . . .
(BUT all the sad, lovesick songs make a whole lot more sense to me right about now)

specifically listening to I Will, over and over. that song has resonated with me for a long time- but certain words take on even more meaning here.

i have to say that i am proud to know you
and i'll never be the same because we met

*sigh*

when something makes me feel bad or sad or uncomfortable, i give myself a set, specific amount of time to feel bad, sad, or uncomfortable. usually like five minutes... ( though big tragedies get whole weekends doused in liquor...) (i'm kidding.) (not really) (sort of) .......

anyway, i'm giving myself five minutes to be really sad about this---- starting..... now.

the end.

next stop: Shangri-La!

confession: i had no idea (until about 45 seconds ago) what Shangri-La was. i've heard it in songs (most notably, today, M. Ward's aptly named version...) and kind of assumed that it was a sort of heaven-y place---- but i just googled it and found out that it's a Himalayan paradise. i guess. makes sense.

anyway:
i'm feeling incredibly light and free today, and i'm turning my face towards the sun. i've spent too many days and nights feeling sorry for myself and i'm leaving that ugliness behind.

listen

and feel good again.

getting used to it

sometimes i feel absolutely fine about things.
sometimes i feel like i'm going to die.

i guess it's a little of both, these days, and i'm started to get accustomed to the way it feels. 

on practicing what i preach

scratch that. i hate preaching. i hope i don't preach to anyone, ever (except on the merits of sunscreen. i WILL beat you over the head with that- with no apologies) ---------

sitting here tonight after having had WAY too much to drink (i've given myself 48 hours to wallow in my circumstances) ----- re reading what i've written here (i do that sometimes....)

 i couldn't help but find a post written almost exactly four months ago. it hit me like the heaviest of cliches.

check it out.

even though my heart feels like gravel- i have to remember all the beautiful, wonderful, infinitely magical moments we shared- and let that be enough.

(but it's soooooooo hard ...........) 

it dropped

that damn shoe dropped.

i feel like i just put three months down the garbage disposal.

the other shoe

i'm working hard on embracing the moment. being FULLY present in every day and not constantly looking ahead to what comes next. i'm WORKING on it. definitely don't have it mastered yet.

things are good, for the most part. the relationship makes me happy every single day and the other less exciting aspects of my life are going pretty well too...

i just keep waiting on that shoe to drop. i wish i wasn't, and maybe it never will. . . . but i still sit here thinking about it.

to anyone else

lately, i've been trying to write more. just a page or two, here and there. not a lot, and so far, nothing really profound. i feel like if i just keep at then something decent will eventually come. who knows, though. on the rare occasion i do feel i've written something good, i start to wonder if i'm just proud of it because it's mine. like loving an ugly baby or something.

showing up

things have been transitioning rather quickly for me over the last month. new job, new friends, new things all around. i'm loving it. feeling a little overwhelmed, but seem to be keeping my head above water.
i haven't had the ominous feeling i usually get when i'm happy about something (the feeling being that the other shoe WILL drop eventually and everything will fall apart...)

lately i keep thinking about how much of life is just SHOWING UP. being present in the moment and letting it happen.

i started letting it happen a while back, and i've never been happier. it feels REALLY good....

peace

i've finally got it.

valentine's day

only once in my life have i had a boyfriend on valentines day, and fairly soon thereafter i ran over his heart with a dumptruck. (it had to happen, but it still makes me a little sad) ...

i was reading some old journal entries the other day and i found this:

"I can't stand still long enough to love anybody" ...

the scary thing is i think that's true. i go on SO MANY first and second dates and either end up bored or terrified. bored because hardly anyone excites me, and terrified that i'm going to be forced to settle down with one of these boring people sooner or later if i don't want to spend my life alone.

i don't know.

tonight, someone i love dearly is contemplating the future of her marriage, and i can't think of anything else. it's been a pretty somber Valentine's. . . . 

adventure

last night S and i tramped around for a couple of hours in the (bitter! freezing!) snow, trying to find a fire escape to climb up onto a roof....... and we FINALLY did.

we were definitely trespassing, and i definitely don't care. it was AMAZING. the snow gives everything a kind of reverent silence, and up there (soooooo very high above the city) i definitely felt the presence of something much larger than myself.

that needed to happen. i've been wrestling with my faith a lot lately (and truthfully, most of the time i feel like i never arrive to any conclusions whatsoever) ........

but feeling like SOMETHING was out there helped.

bless this mess

there's a song we sing at church sometimes that says,

"Come, ye weary, heavy laden,
Lost and ruined by the fall;
If you tarry till you’re better,
You will never come at all"


that last line really gets me. i'm not waiting on anything, because sometimes i honestly don't think i'll ever be 'better" .... but i worry that sometimes my acceptance of my flawed state is really just complacency disguised.

what's the difference, anyway?

need to know

there are things i've done that cannot be undone. i've come to terms with this.

what i need to know is that everything is going to be okay. that I'M going to be okay.

i entered this new year with an open heart and mind, ready to take on whatever came-- and i feel like i've done that to the best of my ability. . .. but i also feel like i've already screwed up. i KNOW i've screwed up- and i just don't know if these mistakes are ones i can live with.

(of course the irony is that i have to live with them. there's not really another option. i can't remove them, and i plan to keep living.) *sigh*

i'm feeling trapped by all this snow on the ground, i'm not making ANY money at work right because everyone is canceling their appointments, and i'm starting to feel like i have a dependence on something i don't want to have a dependence on.

but the only way out is through-----------------------

so here i go.

snowstorm

when i was a little girl we used to play snowstorm in the closet. i don't really remember what the game entailed except for climbing in with blankets and some snacks and an electric candle (the kind of thing you use at christmas time) and shutting the door tight and staying in far too long. the air would get stale and heavy and finally we'd have to come out into the daylight but we had fun while it lasted.

they're calling for a blizzard tomorrow night.

i kind of wish i had someone to play snowstorm with.

coming home

i realized something the other day: aside from reasons stated before, the only reason i really think about leaving this place is because everyone else seems to hate it so. i have a fear of five years from now being the only one left here because all my friends have moved away. i don't mind this town, (though i'd prefer being in the country) and i LOVE this area of Missouri i live in. the woods and the hills and the winds that howls--- i honestly don't know if i could live without it.

it's scary, this growing older. i don't have anyone to plan anything with, and that's kind of lonely sometimes.

my dream is to have a little cabin in the woods somewhere where i don't see neighbors and i can just be in the peace and quiet. i'm really not as interested in social activities as it may seem, and if i could just somehow find a way to afford living OUT then i would. the hitch is always in how much money i'd spend on gas driving into town every day. i don't know. my lease is up in 4 months (not soon, i know....) but i have to start thinking about what the next step is.

i just know all i can think about lately is coming home. i just want to come home.

on THIS day

i crack up everytime i see one of those, "On This Day, GOD wants you to know" posts. it's always the same fluffy bs. "God wants you know that you are beautiful and loved and full of light and destined for greatness and on your way to a destination full of puppies and rainbows....."

or something like that.

i believe we ARE all loved by God (hooray!) (cause if he didn't make us to love us then what the heck else for??!?!)

but seriously.

in my mind, more likely, the thing that God wants us to know is something like:

"Hey, you! Stop acting like such a tool, and be kind to people. you're special and all, but there are about 6 billion other people on the planet who are just as special and probably less fortunate. LOVE your friends, and love the people who AREN'T your friends even more. Stop wasting time worrying and complaining, and do a little good in your community instead. Stop being so disrespectful to the planet, and embrace each and every moment you have with the people you love. you're so much better off than you think, you little brat."

i don't know. it's just what i've been pondering.

(and you know i don't really think God talks to us anyway. how silly)

breaking my heart

lately, all i can think about is leaving this town. the idea of starting over is resonating pretty strongly for me these days, but the thought of leaving behind the family and friends that i love so dearly is breaking my heart.

i don't want to be alone in a new city, but sometimes i think that's the only way i'm ever going to really figure out who i am. as long as i live here i feel somewhat stuck. all my friends are married and moving ahead with children and big future plans... and i'm in basically the same place i have been for the last 7 years.

on monday i'm going to make some reservations for a little trip to Taos in April. i hope to spend a week there, writing, exploring, taking in some art and getting lots of rest. i need to figure out where i'm supposed to be.

wearing dresses

a few months ago i got into a conversation with friends, trying to explain what i meant when i said i wished i were more androgynous. NOT in a "Pat" from SNL sense of the word... i just wish that sometimes i didn't have this particularly womanly body and could get away with wearing boyish clothing. sometimes i want to embrace my masculine side (i think EVERYONE has one) and when i wear clothes that i feel express that side, i just look ridiculous and heavy. so i don't usually. aside from the flannel shirts that EVERYONE gives me crap for wearing (yes, i look like a rural lesbian and i don't CARE!!!) i pretty much dress in an ordinary, moderate fashion. mostly jeans and sweaters and BASIC stuff.

a funny observation, though, is that when i am CRUSHING hard on someone, i want to be as girly as possible. wearing dresses like crazy and never forgetting to put on my 'good' bra. ha ha.

it's just amusing. i like feeling this way. . . . and truthfully i look MUCH better when i emphasize my assets.

if you can't beat 'em, join 'em.

=)

swallow a meadow

i'm in LOVE with pretty much every word that leaves Andrea Gibson's mouth. so beautiful.


i am so (surprisingly) happy these days that i can hardly contain myself. i know i deserve this happiness (like all living creatures do) but i have to admit that i'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. waiting for the cloud to settle over my head. i'm afraid of that, because every time it comes it stays longer, and storms harder.

i'll get through it, though. i always do.... and right now, i'm happier than i've been in a LONG damn time.

so happy i could swallow a meadow (she said that, not me)

*sigh*

leaving the way we came

been thinking about life, and love, and relationships, and all the beautiful (and sometimes not-so-beautiful) messes that come along with all of it.

being privy to the beginnings (!!) and endings of some, i only wish that relationships could just end with the same amount of love and respect and admiration that they began with. it doesn't make any sense to me to have it any other way. i don't understand the anger and craziness that sometimes seems to manifest at the end of something so important.

when i stand still long enough to fall for anyone, those sweet, early moments are the most precious thing in the world..... and if i'm leaving the relationship behind, then at least i want to take the love i found along with me. 

i can't speak from a whole lot of experience, and i'm not saying that i haven't cried or been frustrated and angry about someone leaving my life.... and maybe i'm just a little crazy and optimistic right now......

but i want to try and live and love in a way that respects and acknowledges the fragility of this crazy adventure we're living. if the person i care about needed to go on their way, i trust and hope that i would have the grace to let them go easily.

i guess we'll see.

everything new

had a lot of time to think while driving back and forth to Tex-Arkana for Uncle James funeral this weekend. i cried and cried and i miss his sweet face, but i'm happy he's not in pain anymore.

thinking about the new year and all the things i want to accomplish.... and thinking about all the heaviness from last year that i'm happy to leave behind. (not that 2010 was all bad. i had some amazing experiences, and i learned a lot about myself...)

one thing i'm absolutely striving for is to live my life with a completely open heart and mind. i've been worried for so long about being with the wrong person, or wondering how things might play out down the road with someone else, and i'm DONE with it. if i'm lucky enough to fall for someone who's crazy about me too, who am i to question that?

we'll see. 2011 stands to be AMAZING!